My mom died.

04-11-2007, 03:35 AM

My mom died on the 2nd of this month. I went to her funeral. I posted this on my blog:

She was here, now she's gone. Not a second goes by that she doesn't cross my mind. Her death is fresh in my thoughts, palpable. At her funeral, I saw her laying there, hair done and makeup on. Her nails perfect. She was the most beautiful person I have ever seen in my entire life. And all I could think was: "She's not there, she's not there." Because her soul was gone from that shell. She was now resting, breathing, seeing her father, and her favorite pet, Dallas. She was seeing her old friend Wayne, and she was no longer hurting. But I cried, and each day since it's happened I've cried. I try to hold myself together, but I can feel these fragile threads threatening to break. I can see myself falling into a hole that one doesn't rise out of. I smell her perfume. I see her face. I hear her voice. I feel her warm skin. When I touched her there, at her funeral, she was cold and hard, as if I was touching a stone wall. Shannon fell to her knees at the sight, and everyone held her up. Heidi cried. I tried to be strong, but I broke down into my sister Heidi's lap. Trisha was there, and I was happy for that. I saw all my old family members, some I don't remember ever seeing, some I recognized immediatley. I saw Cathy Donovitch, which was my mom's best friend, who had done her final make up and hair and nails. And she and I spoke breifly. I was happy to have seen her. I met many others, too. I went home that night and didn't sleep. I cried and walked around my aunt Jeany's house. Took a shower. My heart was aching more than it has ever before. So much that it feels numb at times. My head is gone, my thoughts all over. But it always returns to her. I watched them lower her into the ground. Saw them pour the dirt over her. Then I heard the priest lady say: "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Amen." And I looked up, shaking from the cold, and also from the disbelief, and the sun came out, while it began snowing again. I walked back to the car and slept that night, before that was a banquet in her honor. And for two days, a local bar had a benefit in her name, all proceets would go twoards her funeral. The next day, we left. But before that, we went to her grave. Shannon, Heidi, and myself. Her children. Trisha was there, too, and I was glad, as Trish had become like another of her children. Just as all my friends did. We all took pictures, and we all took flowers, and stones from there. Shannon and Heidi walked away. And there I stood, alone with her. And I spoke to her. I told her I was her baby, and always would be. I told her that I loved her and I was happy she was finnaly ok. I told her I held no anger at her leaving us, that it was good she felt no pain now. And I promised her I would become someone, something. That I would succeed. And so I will. I miss her every second. Each passing momment is like torture, it's the worst when I have no one to talk to. When I am alone with my thoughts. I can't seem to believe she's gone. I won't get to hear her voice. No new words. I can't call her for advice. I can't write to her. I can't call her. Well, not in the physical sense. Spiritually she is here, and we can communicate, and she surrounds me. She's watching. I can't cry around Shannon and everyone. I have to be the strong one. I have to become someone and then give my family everything they need. I promised Mom.

Donna Marie Eder Wosotowsky.

Goodbye.

___

Now what? I can't handle this...

TrippinSmurf · 04-11-2007, 03:47 AM

holy shit man this will be hard. everything I wanted to say you already said man.this brought tears to my eyes and I can see the love and the connection you had with her.you know she's still around you and that can hurt the most I know. The hardest thing to do is tell them you love them with everything and to move on, bc they will stick around as long as you need man, but I don't think it's fair to them to hold em back from there next life. But if you need them they won't leave you anyway. ethier way may there next llife be clean and beuatifuly karma free.
Blessed Be.

Sophie19 · 04-11-2007, 05:43 AM

Time heals all things. This will hurt for a long time. But eventually your sadness will fade, replaced by a fondness at the memory of her. You will always miss her. But thats good. It's a process thats slow and painful. Just know that eventually you will feel better. All you can do is let time take its course.

HI - RO · 04-11-2007, 05:50 AM

Jezzz sorry to hear that man, I cant even imagine losing my mom. Hang in there bud, Im sure this is tough.

kornstalk · 04-11-2007, 06:45 AM

She's in a better place, you have to acknowledge that and be happy for her. Sorry to hear that btw.

LibraChick · 04-11-2007, 09:21 AM

I'm very sorry to hear about that. My sisters boyfriend is dealing with the same thing. She died in november. I don't know how he deals with it, but he is somehow staying strong. I hope everything will turn out ok for you and your family.

**~~Saipan~~** · 04-11-2007, 11:44 AM

And the cycle of life is as hard as a block of ice.Time heals all wounds my friend.

04-11-2007, 12:56 PM

Hey Im sorry, it sucks losing someone you love..I just lost my dad about 3 weeks ago..All i can say is go out with people an get away from the memories if u can, at least until u are ready to take em head on..Keep ur chin up

SarahLessThan3 · 04-11-2007, 01:02 PM

I'm so incredibly sorry. So sorry. Hang in there, things will get better hun. Don't feel like you have to be the strong one...don't hold it in, your sisters need to know that you are okay, and they won't know that until you do cry.

*hugs*

04-11-2007, 01:10 PM

Thanks, I really appreciate all your kind words, it's good to know that people I don't really even know care. =)

And a special thanks to TrippinSmurf for talking to me for so long last night. I enjoyed that.