Slowly getting over ex...and finding new guy attractive

javagirl87 · #1 (**permalink**) 05-02-2008, 07:21 PM

So to make a long story short i got dumped about 2 months ago for no reason other than he wans' thappy with how we were even tho he always wanted to be with etc....it was unexpected and it hurt a lot. i've been slowly getting over him but am still having troubles. but i've accepted it will take me longer than i'd like.

i started a new job and started being attracted to one of my coworkers, he trained me to close and when i had to close alone one night he stopped in to see how i was doing and helped me out. he stopped in again anothe rnight i closed for a few min. we always have pretty good convo's, as good as one can have while working. i've heard from people he's a really nice guy and really amiable and a good friend to have. today though i saw him at another coworker's art show, this is how our convo went:

me - "did you get your papers done last night?"
him - "yea actually i did"
me - " that's good, how was getting drunk after that?"
him - "it was awesome, and i made out with this girl, it was great"
me - "haha oh sweet, well that's always a plus when you're drunk"

and then we talked abotu the art for a few min and then parted.

so it kinda dissapointed me...that he said that. but what was stranger was that he was SO nervous talking to me. i was liek ummm why do you seem nervous? and why did you just kinda of say that really blunt in a public place about makign out with some chick?

usually our convos are jsut us two alone whenever we worked or when i was closing and he's always really comfortale talking to me, but i've noticed that when a lot of people are around he'll get nervous talking to me.

does anyone know what this means? should i give up on this? not that iw as really that invested....but still. i think i shoudl stop liking him before it gets to late if there is no hope.

Static · 05-02-2008, 08:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by javagirl87

So to make a long story short i got dumped about 2 months ago for no reason other than he wans' thappy with how we were even tho he always wanted to be with etc....it was unexpected and it hurt a lot. i've been slowly getting over him but am still having troubles. but i've accepted it will take me longer than i'd like.

i started a new job and started being attracted to one of my coworkers, he trained me to close and when i had to close alone one night he stopped in to see how i was doing and helped me out. he stopped in again anothe rnight i closed for a few min. we always have pretty good convo's, as good as one can have while working. i've heard from people he's a really nice guy and really amiable and a good friend to have. today though i saw him at another coworker's art show, this is how our convo went:

me - "did you get your papers done last night?"
him - "yea actually i did"
me - " that's good, how was getting drunk after that?"
him - "it was awesome, and i made out with this girl, it was great"
me - "haha oh sweet, well that's always a plus when you're drunk"

and then we talked abotu the art for a few min and then parted.

so it kinda dissapointed me...that he said that. but what was stranger was that he was SO nervous talking to me. i was liek ummm why do you seem nervous? and why did you just kinda of say that really blunt in a public place about makign out with some chick?

usually our convos are jsut us two alone whenever we worked or when i was closing and he's always really comfortale talking to me, but i've noticed that when a lot of people are around he'll get nervous talking to me.

does anyone know what this means? should i give up on this? not that iw as really that invested....but still. i think i shoudl stop liking him before it gets to late if there is no hope.

If you like him you should show him you like him. If you like him only because you need to be with someone and miss being with your boyfriend, wait a few more months and get to know him better and if the feelings still linger, let it be known then. Don't lead him on just because of that, I don't think you are, it sounds like to feeling is genuine. I think he realizes there's something between you two if you can pick up that he seems nervous around people. He probably doesn't act the same when it's you two compared to a group of people, right? I think he may have told you that to guage your reaction, right now there's really no strings between you two, but if he took you out or you went on a couple dates, he couldn't be all "oh I just made out with this chick last weekend.." cuz he know's you would prolly have something to say, I think he did it to see if you would care.

javagirl87 · 05-02-2008, 08:20 PM

that's what i was wondering actually, i was thinking either

1) he has caught on to the fact that i like him (which i dont' think ive made it that obvious since i've been pretty nonchalent when i'm with him trying to hide it on purpose...heh and to not seem like i'm trying to hard) and that maybe since he picked up on it he decided to say that to try and...convince me not to like him?
2) was the theory you have abotu seeing how i would react
3) maybe he's just an awkward guy lol

i'm hoping it's 2...because i do genuinely think that if i let myself feel for him it would be real and not just wanting to be with someone. i'm rather picky with who i choose to date...as bad as taht may sound. and i just loved the fact that we have the same music taste and some of the quirks we have are similar as well as our sense of humor. plus i really am attracted to the fact that he's such a nice guy.

anyways thanks for your input! i guess i've been struggling with figuring out how to go about letting it be known to him...i've always been the type of girl that talked a lot to guys when i like them kinda..."convincing" them to like me. for lack of better word, but i would get them to like me through initiating more and more conversation with them.

other than that i'm not sure how to go about it since we barely ever see each other, maybe only 2-3 times a week in passing at work, unless i get lucky and i'm scheduled with him. i think my confidence has also gotten a little shot from being broken up with

how do you suggest i go about this?

edit: and yes i definately see a distinction with how we interact alone and when people are around! but i would think it would be the other way around? being nervous when alone with me and not with other people around as opposed to him feeling comfortable when it's just the two of us.

**Ristaron** · 05-02-2008, 09:23 PM

I think he mentioned it to see how you would react.

Is it whenever other people are around that he seems nervous, or just that one time?

If it's whenever people are around, are you unattractive (thereby making him embarrassed to be seen with you, but now to like you)?

javagirl87 · 05-02-2008, 09:26 PM

well he acted nervous this time...and then when i'm working and he's a customer (cuz we get free drinks when we come in) he kind of seems a tad nervous and a little avoidant. like trying maybe not to let other see how he is towards me?

but i guess this is the first time i've really seen him nervous...usually it's more avoidant/quiet. when people are around.

and i posted a pic of myself in the pictures "show yourself" thread...so you can see if i'm attractive i guess haha

Animal-Mother · 05-03-2008, 03:12 PM

Well here is my opinion.It could be one of two reason why he act's sketchy around you and other people.

#1- He is afraid if he says something to offend you you will lash out at him in front of his friends.

#2- He doesent want his friends to know he likes you due to the peer-pressure of asking you out.

When he talked about making out with some girl he was more than likely "testing your boundries" to see what you would take in offense and what you would take in stride.If I was you I would wait a little to try and get a better grasp on how he is as a person.

I can give my opinion a million times over but what matters is whay YOU think and what YOU feel.Just remember if you never ask him,you'll never know. Understand?

javagirl87 · 05-03-2008, 03:24 PM

that's true haha i've always been the kind of person that goes for things because i'd rather regret doing something rather than not doing something.

though lately i think my confidence has been shot because of my last breakup...because although he was really nice about and and honest i kind of feel like i just wasnt' good enough (because he's a perfectionist) and that kind of hurt my confidence...now i'm not really too keen on putting myself out there as much to be rejected

Ol' Patty · 05-03-2008, 05:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by javagirl87

though lately i think my confidence has been shot because of my last breakup...because although he was really nice about and and honest i kind of feel like i just wasnt' good enough (because he's a perfectionist) and that kind of hurt my confidence...now i'm not really too keen on putting myself out there as much to be rejected

You shouldn't lose your self confidence because of that. People are not one-size-fits-all. If he didn't feel that you two were going anywhere, he did you a favor by making it known so soon. His feelings are no indication as to your worth. You need to determine that for yourself. It would probably be good for you to do some self-exploration before you put yourself into another relationship. Ask yourself questions to define what you want out of a relationship or why you even want one.

If you want to get to know this guy better you should start slow, especially since you just got out of a relationship. Really get to know him before you decide on what you want. Ask him to go bowling with some friends or something.

everyone's favo · 05-04-2008, 07:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ol' Patty

You shouldn't lose your self confidence because of that. People are not one-size-fits-all. If he didn't feel that you two were going anywhere, he did you a favor by making it known so soon. His feelings are no indication as to your worth. You need to determine that for yourself. It would probably be good for you to do some self-exploration before you put yourself into another relationship. Ask yourself questions to define what you want out of a relationship or why you even want one.

If you want to get to know this guy better you should start slow, especially since you just got out of a relationship. Really get to know him before you decide on what you want. Ask him to go bowling with some friends or something.

I completely agree with this. Jumping straight into a relationship right after another is, in my opinion, one of the most common mistakes people make. Take some time to get to know yourself and to know him. This will also give you time to gauge the break-up as well.

Also, break-ups take time to get over. This is not to say that you will not think about him - you will always think about him. You invested a shit load of feelings into a relationship you thought was working and the feelings were obviously not mutual. But taking the time to accept the break-up and learning from it is essential for most people.

As Patty said - look at it as him doing a favor for you. You can grow and mature from the experience, but you need to take the time for yourself before just jumping into something else.

javagirl87 · 05-04-2008, 11:45 AM

yea you both are right, i know i do need time to sort myself out...part of me doesn't want to even THINK about another relationship because i know being alone will give me insight i need.

another part of me is just lonely as hell tho heh. i don't have that many close friends because i choose not to really be that close to anyone but a select few...i've always had that one person i like to open up to (the person i date) because i feel like that's what they're there for...and not having that is quite lonely.

plus i'm kind of antisocial and like being alone...i don't like to party and i don't liek big groups, i like one on one scenes...it just gets lonely i guess when i don't have someone to connect with.