marriage.

Aphrodisiac · #1 (**permalink**) 09-05-2008, 06:43 PM

I want to know what it means to everyone and if you ever plan on getting married. Please list reasons why you do or don't want to get married as well.

As for me love in general is very important. Part of the reason I would be afraid of getting married is because of fear. If I get married it is a spiritual and emotional commitment. I would need to be very sure of the person first and know if we have issues they are capable of communication. Unless you are being abused or cheated on I don't see divorce and separation as options in that kind of commitment. Even in that case I wouldn't be able to date after marriage just because of being bound to them on a spiritual level during this life. That's part of my fear, if they didn't view it like this and something happened it would turn my soul inside out. I know I couldn't date again for moral and spiritual reasons. In a sense finding someone to spend life with is both my greatest desire and horrifying fear. I'm afraid of what will happen if it does not work. I haven't even seriously dated in a while or attempted to. I think this may have a little bit to do with it. Funny, I catch myself helping others with love and ignoring my own desires. That's because I see love as very important though and bringing it to others is awesome! It would be amazing to see people I helped get married and work out. Even so, it does not change that it's important to me that I find someone in time and get over the fear. Anyway, so love and marriage is important I say. True, intimate, passionate, long lasting, close, till your time is over love.

I will never forget shortly before my grandma died. We went into the hospital and there was a old couple in there. They were there every time I went. They were the most beautiful old couple I has seen in my life because love still was so strong. It was like looking at a pair of new lovers after all their years of growing old. It was so sweet, beautiful, and inspiring.

**Kelley** · 09-05-2008, 08:17 PM

I do think it it so cute to see old couples still holding hands, like on that diamond ring commercial.

Love to me is where you would do anything for the other person without expecting anything in return. It's a give-all kind of thing. It isn't something to be taken lightly at all. We all say we love someone all the time, but when do we really mean it? It's unconditional and not something to play with.

I would like to get married one day. It's so nice to have someone that cares so much about you for who you are, and you in turn care about that person the same way. It could be a frightful thing, but if you truly are in love with someone, go ahead and marry them. You'll know when you're ready.

Aphrodisiac · 09-05-2008, 08:26 PM

In a way I feel you are right about that last part even though I say it scares me. I think when I am ready I will have found someone with similar ideas and after being so close will be able to do it. I'm just so worried about "finding true, deep, intimate, unconditional love" sometimes I wonder if I will wait too long. Especially since I spend so much time not looking and helping others.

Love is a very powerful thing though and I agree it drives you to do the things you said. The feeling is hard to explain but for me the actions it brings and things I would do for a person I love are very clear.

**Brother of Yeshua** · 09-05-2008, 11:33 PM

I am married. 2 years and a few days.

Marriage is the commitment two people make to give everything they have to the other. This means that sometimes one has to give more, knowing that a time will come that if they need more they can depend on receiving it from them. It is sharing responsibility for the welfare of both parties. It is about joining with someone that makes you better with them than without them. It is about finding someone who helps you achieve balance in life and work towards wholeness.

I could probably write some more stuff, but that's my initial response.

**Arcángel** · 09-06-2008, 09:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brother of Yeshua

I am married. 2 years and a few days.

Marriage is the commitment two people make to give everything they have to the other. This means that sometimes one has to give more, knowing that a time will come that if they need more they can depend on receiving it from them. It is sharing responsibility for the welfare of both parties. It is about joining with someone that makes you better with them than without them. It is about finding someone who helps you achieve balance in life and work towards wholeness.

I could probably write some more stuff, but that's my initial response.

This is pretty much the idea of marriage that most people have (or at least sometihing to the effect of what you said). This is why I am so picky when it comes to even dating anyone seriously anymore. Not to say that if I were in the situation that i was single, that I wouldn't give anyone a fair chance but, I'm sure that at least we all keep this in the back of our minds.

When it comes ot marriage, I feel that I myself would be afraid to get into onc at first, because of all the other marriages that have been failing around me. Put it this way, the only marriage that is actually working out right now would be between my parents - 25 years and still going. The way I see it, before going into the marriage, I think it would be a good idea to actually talk about what is on the mind of both parties, even if it was just a conversation that was strictly hypothetical.

After that, I know for sure that if i loved that person as much as she loved me, that I would try my damdest to make things work, with the hopes that she would do the same. It's not as easy as it sounds but, you'll know that you're doing something right when you're like that couple that Aphrodisiac mentioned.

On a side note, best of luck to you and your significant other. May there be many more years between you both.

**Brother of Yeshua** · 09-06-2008, 10:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by El Subestimado

This is pretty much the idea of marriage that most people have (or at least sometihing to the effect of what you said). This is why I am so picky when it comes to even dating anyone seriously anymore. Not to say that if I were in the situation that i was single, that I wouldn't give anyone a fair chance but, I'm sure that at least we all keep this in the back of our minds.

When it comes ot marriage, I feel that I myself would be afraid to get into onc at first, because of all the other marriages that have been failing around me. Put it this way, the only marriage that is actually working out right now would be between my parents - 25 years and still going. The way I see it, before going into the marriage, I think it would be a good idea to actually talk about what is on the mind of both parties, even if it was just a conversation that was strictly hypothetical.

After that, I know for sure that if i loved that person as much as she loved me, that I would try my damdest to make things work, with the hopes that she would do the same. It's not as easy as it sounds but, you'll know that you're doing something right when you're like that couple that Aphrodisiac mentioned.

On a side note, best of luck to you and your significant other. May there be many more years between you both.

Thank you!

Congrats on your parents long and (hopefully happy) marriage! My parents are also "lifers" with their 29th anniversary coming up in January sometime.

It is scary to get into as well. I had my doubts going into it (not about me, I have issues with fear of infidelity). Occasionally, I still do. But I also know I can go to my wife and tell her I'm feeling insecure, and she'll help me not to feel that way anymore. Like you said sub, talk about what's on our minds.

Being open and honest is the cornerstone of any solid and close relationship, marital or otherwise. Marriage is so scary because the boundaries that we keep in most relationships dissolve very rapidly, so if you aren't comfortable giving EVERYTHING you are to another person openly, it creates problems in the marriage. Not to say you can't work them out (we have had our fights and problems), but you have to be willing to work them out, and change yourself in the process.

They say don't marry expecting someone to change, but imo, if two people truly love each other enough to commit themselves in this way, they should WANT to change if it means it benefits the relationship. I don't mean give up everything you love, but for example, I was used to coming home and pretty much doing whatever I wanted. My wife would get mad and we talked about how she felt ignored because I would come home and get on the computer or play a video game or watch TV or whatever and not really take the time to address her and hear about her day. I didn't have to change, but I want her to feel fulfilled, so I worked on changing my habits. I would get frustrated with her because I felt like she was being sarcastic with me most of the time, and I felt that she didn't really speak lovingly to me. She has changed that habit of her own freewill.

Give and take, sacrifice for each other, balance, etc. This is the toughest part of marriage. Many couples don't do this, because they get married because they're looking for a mom to cook and clean for them, or a dad to buy a bunch of shit for them, or something like that. Most people don't understand what it takes to get the definition of marriage I posted above.

Sorry for the rant, but I think marriage is great, IF the people involved actually realize what they are getting into and accept the responsibilities.

**Arcángel** · 09-06-2008, 10:49 AM

Yes, they've been happy for 25 years now. They tend to drive each other up a wall but, its all out of love.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brother of Yeshua

Thank you...

...Give and take, sacrifice for each other, balance, etc. This is the toughest part of marriage. Many couples don't do this, because they get married because they're looking for a mom to cook and clean for them, or a dad to buy a bunch of shit for them, or something like that. Most people don't understand what it takes to get the definition of marriage I posted above.

See, this is exactly what I dont' want in a marraige. I don't look to be babied and I sure as hwll don't want anyone to think that i am going to be hovering over them 24/7. Taking care of your significant other is one thing but, its not that hard to tell when you're beingi strung along just for you to be there.

And people wonder why some people don't want to get married nowadays. *smh*
I may not be married right now but, I have one word that can quite possibly sum up the secret to a great marriage. Assertiveness. Sure, it may not be easy to do but, after 22 years of living in Brooklyn, you kinda get used to not getting free lunches, if you catch my drift. At least I know that if I felt that this person was worth all that goes into a marriage, I'd bust my ass as much as the next guy would to keep things working.

**Brother of Yeshua** · 09-06-2008, 11:33 AM

Hahaha isn't every long term marriage about driving each other up walls?

Sub, I would say that if that's how you feel, you are ready for marriage (as ready as anyone can be) and it's a matter of finding the person who is right for you.

Also going back a bit, kudos on being picky. I never understood people who dated just to date all the time. I always viewed dating as a trial and error process, learning about others, yourself, and relationships, in hopes of finding your ideal mate. Nowadays, I feel like people view it as a social thing primarily, not really important as a process. If that's what you want, that's fine, but then people end up getting married because of convenience, not love and commitment, because they think after dating for 3 years that's what you are "supposed" to do.

I even almost fell into that trap. Thankfully I got out, because my wife now is a perfect fit for me. I couldn't imagine anyone else being in her place.