What would you do if...

Estefanina · #1 (**permalink**) 09-19-2007, 02:22 PM

It was your last year in college, whether you graduate or not and you had the following obstacles to overcome:

A younger brother who just moved into your house and you have to teach him how to respect people and get his own shit accomplished...

A boyfriend who can't be away from you even though he has moved an hour away...

A roommate with health problems who can't handle your little brother...

One of your closest friends is deeply hated by your boyfriend...

Few other friends that seem to really give a shit about your well being..

A mother who died two years ago and you never had a chance to connect with...

A terribly dysfunctional family that calls you on a regular basis to make sure you're worrying about their problems three and a half hours away...

A family history of drug and alcohol related problems..

And one night a week to get plastered and forget about all your problems...

With all this business, I am the "you," whining about my problems, and looking for fresh perspectives on how to organize my life.

Ol' Patty · 09-19-2007, 03:02 PM

How young are we talking here? And what do you mean by respect other people and get his own shit accomplished?

Is your boyfriend too clingy? Let him know. Especially if you have a bunch of stuff you are trying to figure out right now. The less things you have to worry about the better.

What does your brother do to you roommate?

Hmmm... That's a bit tough. He's certainly entitled to his own opinion but does he have a reason? And does he make sure you know how he feels about your friend every chance he gets? I'd tell him to lay off and play nice, but I don't really know what kind of situation it is.

That always sucks... If your friends seem that way then don't expect much from them. Hanging out and having fun with people is great and all but just because you hang out with people frequently doesn't mean they will be there when you need them and expecting that can be really disappointing. Be outgoing and sincere and eventually you will meet some people that really care about you and will stick by you. Having people that you can rely on is wonderful but don't make that your primary way of dealing with stuff. Try and be independent.

The past is something that is already done. Learn lessons from your mistakes and your experiences and don't let the past hold you back. Regret is one of the worst things in the world... I'm sorry about your mother.

If it's something beyond your immediate control then don't worry about it. But are these real problems they are calling you with or are they just pestering you?

Is this going on now?

That could be good and bad... Does the temporary escape help you approach your problems anew the next day?

Whew... That is quite a bit to straighten out. Sorry all my advice was kind of vague and impersonal but I really didn't have much information to work with. I'll offer advice on anything though, so let me know what the specifics and I will do my best to help.

Estefanina · 09-19-2007, 04:44 PM

Thanks for the response, OP... and to come back:

Quote:

How young are we talking here? And what do you mean by respect other people and get his own shit accomplished?

My little brother's 18, has been sitting in front of a computer, television, playing the guitar, and nothing else for the last two years. He came to live with me to learn how to get along in a society he's not really experienced, and get his GED, license, job, etc...

Quote:

Is your boyfriend too clingy? Let him know. Especially if you have a bunch of stuff you are trying to figure out right now. The less things you have to worry about the better.

My boyfriend is a bit clingy, and he knows, but we work extremely well together. He's more helpful in my life than anything else, and i've tried to break it off before and failed.

Quote:

What does your brother do to you roommate?

annoys the shit out of him by making noises at the cat, smacking his gum, and leaving messes everywhere.

Quote:

Hmmm... That's a bit tough. He's certainly entitled to his own opinion but does he have a reason? And does he make sure you know how he feels about your friend every chance he gets? I'd tell him to lay off and play nice, but I don't really know what kind of situation it is.

He's got a good reason, but it's a situation that's been re-hashed a million times and doesn't seem to have a solution because of pride issues. He's played a bit nicer recently than in the past, but it's a control thing too. My boyfriend thinks he can tell me who i can and cannot hang out with, and it just frustrates the hell out of me.

Quote:

That always sucks... If your friends seem that way then don't expect much from them. Hanging out and having fun with people is great and all but just because you hang out with people frequently doesn't mean they will be there when you need them and expecting that can be really disappointing. Be outgoing and sincere and eventually you will meet some people that really care about you and will stick by you. Having people that you can rely on is wonderful but don't make that your primary way of dealing with stuff. Try and be independent.

I'm as independent as i'd like to be, and end up helping other people with their problems more often than they listen to mine... It's a new thing for me though, i used to have a crew that stood by me, helped me out, and really gave a shit. They all moved away over the last two years, and i'm stuck with these kids I don't have a lot in common with.

Quote:

The past is something that is already done. Learn lessons from your mistakes and your experiences and don't let the past hold you back. Regret is one of the worst things in the world... I'm sorry about your mother.

while i agree with having no regrets and have moved ahead in the cycle of acceptance since she died, i've been having dreams and preoccupations with what she would say or do if she was here...

Quote:

If it's something beyond your immediate control then don't worry about it. But are these real problems they are calling you with or are they just pestering you?

I'd identify the problems as "real," but things i can do nothing about. Again, the problems are distracting but I don't necessarily object to them informing me about them. (that point was more me bitching than anything else i spose)

Quote:

Is this going on now?

no, but it guides my drug habits. Anytime i get the opportunity to be fucked up, i have to repeat in my head "moderation is key, moderation is key..." or the loss of control may attack.

Quote:

That could be good and bad... Does the temporary escape help you approach your problems anew the next day?

Sometimes, and that's why i do it, but it has also created more problems. Cause when i get drunk, i get D.R.U.N.K.

Quote:

Whew... That is quite a bit to straighten out. Sorry all my advice was kind of vague and impersonal but I really didn't have much information to work with. I'll offer advice on anything though, so let me know what the specifics and I will do my best to help.

I appreciate your support. And yes, it is a lot to deal with.. that's why i'm trying to find a way to make sense of all the situations.

Ol' Patty · 09-19-2007, 06:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Estefanina

My little brother's 18, has been sitting in front of a computer, television, playing the guitar, and nothing else for the last two years. He came to live with me to learn how to get along in a society he's not really experienced, and get his GED, license, job, etc...

Is he applying himself towards those ends? Does he listen to your advice or do what you say? Is he motivated to do those things?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Estefanina

My boyfriend is a bit clingy, and he knows, but we work extremely well together. He's more helpful in my life than anything else, and i've tried to break it off before and failed.

That's cool. What's the problem then?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Estefanina

annoys the shit out of him by making noises at the cat, smacking his gum, and leaving messes everywhere.

Has your roommate talked to him about it or does he just tell you about it. Does you brother pay rent? (I'm guessing you rent, since you have a roommate. True?) And is your roommate a friend of yours?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Estefanina

He's got a good reason, but it's a situation that's been re-hashed a million times and doesn't seem to have a solution because of pride issues. He's played a bit nicer recently than in the past, but it's a control thing too. My boyfriend thinks he can tell me who i can and cannot hang out with, and it just frustrates the hell out of me.

I imagine that is annoying. I have a couple friends that hate each other too. They just can't put their differences past them. I have actually just canceled parties I had planned just because I was tired of their constant bickering at the thought of being in the same room together. Doubt you'll be able to get them to get past it until they grow up and/or find it within them to set differences aside.

The control issue has to do with your relationship though, obviously and you would probably know more about how to handle that than me. That combined with the clingy-ness though... Sounds like your boyfriend may be insecure.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Estefanina

I'm as independent as i'd like to be, and end up helping other people with their problems more often than they listen to mine... It's a new thing for me though, i used to have a crew that stood by me, helped me out, and really gave a shit. They all moved away over the last two years, and i'm stuck with these kids I don't have a lot in common with.

Oh man, I feel you there. Exactly the same thing with me except the opposite. I was always helping people and all that stuff but never had anyone to help me really. Then I met all my friends.

That really sucks though... Do you keep in touch with them? Hopefully you'll meet some cool cats before too long.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Estefanina

while i agree with having no regrets and have moved ahead in the cycle of acceptance since she died, i've been having dreams and preoccupations with what she would say or do if she was here...

Did anything happen recently that you can think of to trigger this? That sounds like something on a real personal level. I doubt any generalized advice I can give will be accurate, especially since I don't know you at all. All I can really do on this one is wish you luck.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Estefanina

I'd identify the problems as "real," but things i can do nothing about. Again, the problems are distracting but I don't necessarily object to them informing me about them. (that point was more me bitching than anything else i spose)

Just bitching can help sometimes.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Estefanina

no, but it guides my drug habits. Anytime i get the opportunity to be fucked up, i have to repeat in my head "moderation is key, moderation is key..." or the loss of control may attack.

I feel ya. Moderation is key, seems like the best thing to do here, besides not doing any drugs, so I don't really know what to say about this. Try passing every second shot or hit or whatever that comes your way. Spacing yourself out and all that. Easier said than done though. One time, me and a friend had been drinking quite a bit in excess recently and decided to quit for a month. The very night I made the agreement with him I ended up at a party at one of my good friends house. I was two beers and a shot of whiskey in before I even remembered, Hah. I was like, "Damnit... I can't believe I forgot. Oh well, too late to stop now! *chug*"

Quote:

Originally Posted by Estefanina

Sometimes, and that's why i do it, but it has also created more problems. Cause when i get drunk, i get D.R.U.N.K.

Feel you there too. The frequency with which I drank was never really a problem. But, damn, when I do drink...

What do you normally drink? How do you feel about beer? I find that it is a lot harder to get sick and all that stuff off of beer. It's also a lot easier to keep a nice buzz for me. I hated beer when I first started drinking. If it wasn't flammable then it wasn't worth my time. I love beer now though. Especially when it is from a keg *drools*.

For this though, besides not drinking, I would recommend beer or wine or something of that nature instead of hard liquor or mixed drinks.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Estefanina

I appreciate your support. And yes, it is a lot to deal with.. that's why i'm trying to find a way to make sense of all the situations.

It's my pleasure. I think we all need a hand every now and then. Good luck with it all.

Estefanina · 09-20-2007, 03:14 PM

Again, thanks. Yesterday I was thinking about all the business i posted and decided i was throwing my own little pity party. Some confrontations were had, solutions reached, and i feel quite a bit better about the most pressing situations.

To respond to a few things you said anyway:

Quote:

Is he applying himself towards those ends? Does he listen to your advice or do what you say? Is he motivated to do those things?

He applies and motivates himself to a degree, but it's definately a gradual process that's going to take patience and learning on both our parts. And yes, blessings that be, he listens to me.

Quote:

That's cool. What's the problem then?

I was having a pity party. Poor, sad, me... I take care of the poor bum who has no job, but cleans my house, cooks me dinner, and gives me good dick.

Quote:

Has your roommate talked to him about it or does he just tell you about it. Does you brother pay rent? (I'm guessing you rent, since you have a roommate. True?) And is your roommate a friend of yours?

Sir roommate (who does pay rent to me) only yells at my little brother when he gets severly irritated and isn't very patient. I'd say we're friends... but sometimes I wonder how much he likes me anymore.

and as far as my old friends go: yes, i connect with them from time to time, but we're all busy... we find time to get together two or three times a year.

as far as booze goes: i'm a reformed rum drinker who has turned professional whiskey. I love my Jim Beam, but am content with Bellows and Coke on Thursday nights. I feel like i've got it pretty much under control...

And i feel like i'm wasting a bunch of space on the Beast... my apologies to anyone who rolled their eyes at my efforts to figure shit out, and my thanks to Ol Patty, who has been so helpful.

Ol' Patty · 09-20-2007, 03:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Estefanina

Again, thanks. Yesterday I was thinking about all the business i posted and decided i was throwing my own little pity party. Some confrontations were had, solutions reached, and i feel quite a bit better about the most pressing situations.

And i feel like i'm wasting a bunch of space on the Beast... my apologies to anyone who rolled their eyes at my efforts to figure shit out, and my thanks to Ol Patty, who has been so helpful.

Congratulations. *thumbs up* Expressing your problems verbally or through text is just another way to help yourself figure them out. I think it is wise to do so. But if you feel you are wasting space then there is the gibberish section

. So post away, anyway.

I'm glad to help.
Take care.

acutelyaware · 09-20-2007, 09:04 PM

some of you issues are not really yours. you need to focus on you before you worry about what other people think about you, or your little brother, etc. you might be a worrier, like me. you need to breathe, deserve your pity party, but realize you don't have to let some of these things affect you of you don't want them to.

Estefanina · 09-23-2007, 10:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by acutelyaware

some of you issues are not really yours. you need to focus on you before you worry about what other people think about you, or your little brother, etc. you might be a worrier, like me. you need to breathe, deserve your pity party, but realize you don't have to let some of these things affect you of you don't want them to.

thank you. i'm not generally allowed a pity party, and when people aren't mad at me for it it makes me happy.

**Ginevra** · 09-24-2007, 11:16 PM

Maybe your brother should work towards his own place. Your home should be a place for downtime. I remember when my friend lived there and ehr and my brother fought like 10 year olds and there was always a problem and you just can't live with that for long without it having an effect on you. It seems that you and sir roomate get along so that may still work.

Right now I am aching for my own place just for a place where things only change if I change them, food is always there unless I ate it... etc. I don't know why. Probably because I'm in college and everyone else goes to their house and I go to my parents. I just feel the need to get on with life, but I'm waiting til next school year. And sorry I just inserted my problem in your problem thread. >>

BobFromMarketing · 09-25-2007, 12:21 AM

Learn to say no to those you love.
It will sort itself out once you do.