Life in limbo

03-25-2007, 09:03 PM

Ive had some incredible sex... Im smoked the finest weed... Ive made straight A's.... Ive done many wonderful things... Ive been the happiest ill ever be... I fell in love and am still with the woman i love... Im independent, financially stable, responsible, and productive... I am extremely romantic, and so is my girlfriend, but the plain fact is that you CANT stay in bed with the woman you love until the end of time... As a matter of fact, i cant have sex again for 7 years, i cant smoke weed again EVER, and i feel like i have very little in life that keeps me going... I wake up and go to class, then work... I talk to my girlfriend and watch my steps very carefully to avoid upsetting her delicate feelings... I drink sometimes to numb the pain... Im discovering codeine but it doesnt affect me... I feel like i have nothing to look forward to, like nothing in life will ever make me happy again.. Im on the very brink of selling all of my belongings and moving to zimbabwe or bolivia or argentina or someplace obscure... Music no longer touches my soul and dust collects on the strings of my many instruments... What keeps me here? In a normal life? The fact that i love my girlfriend... She doesnt seem to care about me most of the time and is very rude to me... Ive been putting my foot down and not accepting her disrespect, that always seems to place her back in line... I just feel like life is empty... Ive spent years and years pursuing religion, Gave my heart to Jesus, my mind to Buddha, and even an attentive ear to mormonism... Every soul searches for something... and its the same thing for all of us... Is it contentedness? The only two times i have ever been content were when i was high and when i was deeply embraced in the arms of my passionate lover... Was that my "something more" that ive been searching for? She will never speak to me again if i touch pot, and wont touch me again until we are married which has to be 7 years... And im sure that those things will quickly fade after repeat times... I just need to keep living... But i cant... I cant live... the fire of my life has been snuffed out... My body still breathes and pumps blood and my mind still processes information but my heart has given me a stern "fuck you" and my soul has checked out... I know this to be true because everyday i feel the muscles in my face grow tighter and more chiseled... My skin is covered in splotches and a genuine "soul-smile" is a thing of the past... Are drugs my answer? Is suicide? I beleive not... because even if i thought it would be best for ME i couldnt stand the sorrow i would be bestowing upon the ones who love me... Im loved, im stable, im able, and im willing, but i feel like my life is empty never to be refilled.....

Everything in me says not to post this publicly.... Who are you who reads this?
You with all the answers?

God? If your God, go ahead, send me a reply...

if your not, i would still like to know if you have any suggestions, i feel i have tried everything.....

Tonight there was a lightening storm and i climbed onto my roof and screamed
"God dont maim me!
Strike me down or Save me!"

ogrish14 · 03-25-2007, 09:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by El Scorcho

i cant have sex again for 7 years

Any reason for the seven year prohibition?

El Pirata · 03-25-2007, 09:42 PM

wow, sounds like you have had a wonderful life, kinda. Well how do you feel about your girl? I mean do you really and truly love her? I mean if you love her kinda, but cant see yourself with her in the future or till both of you are raisins, then she might not be "the one". Sometimes you need to take a break from life and all the stress, hell if I had the resources I would probably be a hermit. Anyways, maybe you should try out the escapade to some foreign land and live over there for a while and forget about everything, live life a different way. Maybe your experience in a foreign land can help you out in the future, hell you might even find the perfect girl over there. Anyways, hope that helped out.

whitney_03 · 03-25-2007, 09:47 PM

Was pretty much at a point like this once in my life. I resorted to smoking more pot than any 20 people should, skipping school and chasing Darvosets down with shots of whiskey. Not the proudest time in my life. I got over it because I discovered life again. My mom was diagnosed with a stage 3 breast cancer and watching her basically maybe dying with those chemo drugs going into her, then to go home and she would sleep or puke for hours/days. I just realized that the purpose of my life was to live it. That sounds sort of
weird yeah, but I decided the purpose of any life is to fill it with meaning. I quit all the nasty habits, quit an abusive relationship and set out to just that. If I hadn't been afraid of my parents finding out the full extent of how badly I had been screwing up I probably would have sought counseling for awhile. I would suggest that for you coming from my experience as a mental health tech(not full counselor yet lol still in school), doesn't mean you're crazy but it sounds like you might have some mild depression going on. I would also definitely tell your girlfriend how you feel and ask her to be supportive.

03-26-2007, 11:15 AM

Whitney i agree with all you said... I do need to ask her to be more supportive because thats what relationships are supposed to be all about.... I thank pirata for his suggestion and believe i will take it... Ill plan a big trip for the summer to go somewhere out of this country... It will teach me to not use her as a crutch so much, and will teach me to trust her... The air of foreign countries (no matter how filthy some can be) always revitalizes me... Ill go somewhere random and stay for a couple of weeks.... I do love her, but i need to disappear somewhere... This will also give me something to look forward to which might help with my mild depression... I believe i will seek some counseling with my university just so i dont have to resort to internet forums with my problems... No offense, you guys are awesome, its just wierd posting my life stories online, and kindof conflicts with stable confident self image... I thank you guys for your help,

Oh and ogrish, the 7 year prohibition is because we are on a 7 year plan to graduate and i refuse to get married until graduation, and last time we had sex (she lost her virginity) and it scared the hell out of her, didnt sleep for 3 weeks until she realized she wasnt pregnant... Vowed to never ever ever have sex again, blames me, and any time sex comes up she looks at me like saddam hussien, so no chance of even talking to her about it... I can just hope like hell her mind changes, and wait... 7 years is a long time, but shes worth it...

Thanks everyone, may you all find that something more...

03-31-2007, 01:26 AM

el scorchio.. if you feel like youve already been the happiest you'll ever be.. then nothing in the future will ever satisfy you anymore...

is smoking weed really important at all scorchio?... as for this 7 year no-sex thing... why dont you just use contraceptives?... i mean... if youre not doing it just because you dont want to have a baby then.. just do something to prevent that from happening... wear a condom or ask her to take pills or something...

you know... dont discuss it with her scorchio... make her want to do it with you instead... sex i mean... ... and assure her that things wont go bad again... make her feel secure and all of that...

and why is your girlfriend treating you badly?... ever thought that maybe she is sensing whats going on with you?... if you dont look very happy scorchio.. ever thought that it might be making her feel like youre not happy with her anymore?...

scorchio... you can be as rich as hell or you can have the most beautiful women love you... but if that isnt what you want... youll never be happy... youll never feel contentment... because you dont have what it is that you really want... these things may make other people happy but.. maybe they just dont make you happy... you know sometimes you dont have to look very far for answers... just look into yourself more honestly and ask yourself what it is that you really honestly want... because until you realize it... youll always just feel empty and you dont even know why...

just be more honest with yourself and think things through some more...

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