Helping a loved one cope with death...

rclcryan · 06-08-2007, 11:37 AM

Recently my fiancee's grandfather died (last night actualy). This man meant so much to my fiancee and I knew this. She is totaly distraught and I can't get her to stop crying. Normally I'm great at giving and advice and a comforting word. But It seems that nothing I do can get her to stop crying. I hate seeing her like this. It makes me sad, however I know that I need to be strong and be the person she needs to lean on. But am I a bad person for wanting her to just "suck it up" I hate thinking that, I guess I handle death differently...I feel like a bad fiancee for thinking that but...gah I just want to help her. What can I do? Saying "It's okay baby, I love you and we'll get through this." can only be so effective. Could someone atleast give me something to say? I mean did someone say something to you that helped you through a trying death you experienced. Help...please.

Chase_the_Bass · 06-08-2007, 11:42 AM

Just let her know you'll be there.

kl0ve · 06-08-2007, 11:49 AM

You can't really do anything about the situation, per se; but you seem to be doing the right thing. When someone passes away, some people over use lines like, "Oh, they're in a better place." or "I'm sure it was their time." but I don't really think those are too effective. Just remember that actions speak louder than words. Most people have different ways of coping with death; she probably feels better when she's crying because she loved him so much, but don't let that bring you down. She needs you to be strong, simply put.

rclcryan · 06-08-2007, 11:52 AM

Thank you to you both!

I'm thinking I must have been looking for some magic cure all word or phrase. Which I know dosn't exist, its just when someone means so much to you its hard to see them suffer.

Fez · 06-08-2007, 12:34 PM

yea, I don't care for death much ... people die, shit happens, oh well, crying about it is not going to bring them back.

In addition to what other said - make sure you give her enough space. Don't try to follow her around and try to constantly comfort her -- come up, give her a kiss on her forehead, say something sweet and walk away. If she wants to be with you at that moment - she'll come over, if not - give her some time. Seems like its a really serious loss to her.
good luck

06-08-2007, 01:25 PM

Just let her know that you're there. Give her time. I know when my great grandpa died it took a really long time for me to get over it. Just be there for her and let her know that she will be alright. The best thing to do is to just let her talk to you and hold her when she starts crying. Also encourage her to spend time with her family, go with her too. So she knows that you're there for her.

ConfusionLeadsTheDance · 06-08-2007, 07:13 PM

Just hold her and make her feel safe with you and give her time. Even if you want her to suck it up (which is the way I would think too) it would mean even more if that was how you really felt but comforted her and gave her time anyway.

rclcryan · 06-08-2007, 08:22 PM

Thanx you guys. <3

Zwardfulk · 06-08-2007, 09:11 PM

The only thing you can really do is stay beside her, go with her to the funeral, hold her hand tight, and let her let it all out. Different people have different time periods of mourning-let her decide when that time is up.

And if I were you, I wouldn't let her even think that you want her to suck it up.. that'll cause some problems. Not all people as as strong as others.

**Ginevra** · 06-12-2007, 11:21 PM

I understand your side and hers, because I've had things that I just couldn't stop crying and thinking about, but I'm with you on death. For some reason it doesn't make me cry. I doubt she can control it, and maybe she is controlling it half the time, but it gets to her. I'm with the idea of just holding her, letting her talk or just cry, and not really trying to reassure her with words because then she probably is thnking that she wishes she could but she can't and doesn't know what to say. Wait a few weeks and see if she hasn't improved, if not then you might worry a little bit.