Alternate Intelligent Design Theory Which Needs to be Taught in Public Schools (fsm)

Abrasax · #1 (**permalink**) 11-02-2007, 07:12 AM

A theory that I heavily believe needs to be addressed as well as taught in science classrooms is the belief that a giant spaghetti monster created the universe and is still manipulating the events here on earth.

I know you guys are thinking I'm a little crazy right now but please here me out. There is a strong amount of evidence supporting my opinions.

The first theory I want taught deserves a spot right next to the theory of gravity. I'm going to call it invisible noodle theory. Basically, I believe that gravity doesn't exist......what we believe to be gravity is really the weight of millions of noodles (belonging to the flying spaghetti monster) pushing down on everybody. There is evidence to support this theory too!

First off, noodles originated in China, right (some people say Italy but the Chinese had them first)? On average a Chinese person happens to be shorter than a person from another race. This is simply because noodles came from China so they have more noodles pushing down on them, limiting their growth!

Also, people have been growing over the years as the population has been going up. This is because the flying spaghetti monster has less noodles to spread around to everybody so people are growing as a result.

The next theory which needs taught deserves a spot right next to global warming. As most Pastafarian's know, pirates are the flying spaghetti monster's chosen people.
As you clearly know, the temperatures have been increasing as the pirate population has been going down. This is because the flying spaghetti monster is upset that he doesn't have as many followers.

The next theory that deserves to be taught is Un-Intelligent Design. This is the theory that the FSM got drunk before creating the world. As you can clearly see, whoever designed the world must have been pretty drunk at the time. Look at ugly people, diso music, country music, Jar Jar Binks, platypus's, etc..

There is genetic evidence in people supporting FSM theory over evolution too. While people share 95% of DNA with apes they share 99% with pirates!

I'm looking forward to the time when FSM theory can be taught in classrooms with equal time given to intelligent design and evolution. As a well known Pastafarian, Senator John McCain said, “All points of view should be available to students studying the origins of mankind.” In addition to this, FSM theory needs to be taught 50/50 with gravity. Many of my ideas have come from a fellow Pastafarian sending a letter to the school board of my home state (Open Letter To Kansas School Board at Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster)

There is actually quite a bit of religious evidence backing it up too. We have a church, a bible, historical documents, everything. We even have something similiar to the ten commandments! They started as the 10 "I'd Rather You Didnt's" but two of them were lost when Mosey was taking them down the mountain.

The Eight "I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts"

1. I'd really rather you didn't act like a sanctimonious holier-than-thou ass when describing my noodly goodness. If some people don't believe in me, that's okay. Really, I'm not that vain. Besides, this isn't about them so don't change the subject.

2. I'd really rather you didn't use my existence as a means to oppress, subjugate, punish, eviscerate, and/or, you know, be mean to others. I don't require sacrifices, and purity is for drinking water, not people.

3.I'd really rather you didn't judge people for the way they look, or how they dress, or the way they talk, or, well, just play nice, Okay? Oh, and get this into your thick heads: woman = person. man = person. Samey = Samey. One is not better than the other, unless we're talking about fashion and I'm sorry, but I gave that to women and some guys who know the difference between teal and fuchsia.

4. I'd really rather you didn't indulge in conduct that offends yourself, or your willing, consenting partner of legal age AND mental maturity. As for anyone who might object, I think the expression is go f*** yourself, unless they find that offensive in which case they can turn off the TV for once and go for a walk for a change.

5. I'd really rather you didn't challenge the bigoted, misogynistic, hateful ideas of others on an empty stomach. Eat, then go after the b*******.

6. I'd really rather you didn't build multi million-dollar
churches/temples/mosques/shrines to my noodly goodness when the money could be better spent (take your pick):
Ending poverty
Curing diseases
Living in peace, loving with passion, and lowering the cost of cable
I might be a complex-carbohydrate omniscient being, but I enjoy the simple things in life. I ought to know. I AM the creator.

7. I'd really rather you didn't go around telling people I talk to you. You're not that interesting. Get over yourself. And I told you to love your fellow man, can't you take a hint?

8. I'd really rather you didn't do unto others as you would have them do unto you if you are into, um, stuff that uses a lot of leather/lubricant/Las Vegas. If the other person is into it, however (pursuant to #4), then have at it, take pictures, and for the love of Mike, wear a CONDOM! Honestly, it's a piece of rubber. If I didn't want it to feel good when you did it I would have added spikes, or something.

We have a heaven too and it's much better than other heavens! We've got stripper factories and beer volcanoes!

I hope this is enough evidence for all of you ignorant evolutionists and creationists! If you are interested in Pastafarianism, please look it up on uncyclopedia.com or (www.veganza.org). I would also stress all of the Pastafarians out there to pressure Beast Toast in beginning a Pastafarian thread. I'm sure it will recieve more popularity than the Rastafarian one. anyway-

May the Flying Spaghetti Monster touch you with his noodley appendage,
Michael

*Also, any evidence against the FSM can be easily explained. Whenever experiments are done that give proof against him, it is the FSM switching the evidence around to test our faith.

w8_4_the_moonrise · 11-02-2007, 07:18 AM

Finally a religion I can get behind.

Abrasax · 11-02-2007, 07:24 AM

Yaay! And the fact that preachers of the FSM wear full pirate regalia is the best part!

w8_4_the_moonrise · 11-02-2007, 07:29 AM

nioce!

**Opunaya** · 11-02-2007, 07:29 AM

I think there's already a thread for this...but, those 8 "I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts" are pretty good.

everyone's favo · 11-02-2007, 07:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Abrasax

The Eight "I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts"

1. I'd really rather you didn't act like a sanctimonious holier-than-thou ass when describing my noodly goodness. If some people don't believe in me, that's okay. Really, I'm not that vain. Besides, this isn't about them so don't change the subject.

2. I'd really rather you didn't use my existence as a means to oppress, subjugate, punish, eviscerate, and/or, you know, be mean to others. I don't require sacrifices, and purity is for drinking water, not people.

3.I'd really rather you didn't judge people for the way they look, or how they dress, or the way they talk, or, well, just play nice, Okay? Oh, and get this into your thick heads: woman = person. man = person. Samey = Samey. One is not better than the other, unless we're talking about fashion and I'm sorry, but I gave that to women and some guys who know the difference between teal and fuchsia.

4. I'd really rather you didn't indulge in conduct that offends yourself, or your willing, consenting partner of legal age AND mental maturity. As for anyone who might object, I think the expression is go f*** yourself, unless they find that offensive in which case they can turn off the TV for once and go for a walk for a change.

5. I'd really rather you didn't challenge the bigoted, misogynistic, hateful ideas of others on an empty stomach. Eat, then go after the b*******.

6. I'd really rather you didn't build multi million-dollar
churches/temples/mosques/shrines to my noodly goodness when the money could be better spent (take your pick):
Ending poverty
Curing diseases
Living in peace, loving with passion, and lowering the cost of cable
I might be a complex-carbohydrate omniscient being, but I enjoy the simple things in life. I ought to know. I AM the creator.

7. I'd really rather you didn't go around telling people I talk to you. You're not that interesting. Get over yourself. And I told you to love your fellow man, can't you take a hint?

8. I'd really rather you didn't do unto others as you would have them do unto you if you are into, um, stuff that uses a lot of leather/lubricant/Las Vegas. If the other person is into it, however (pursuant to #4), then have at it, take pictures, and for the love of Mike, wear a CONDOM! Honestly, it's a piece of rubber. If I didn't want it to feel good when you did it I would have added spikes, or something.

We have a heaven too and it's much better than other heavens! We've got stripper factories and beer volcanoes!

I am so changing my religious beliefs!

That is great man...truely great.

**SARS-expl0ted** · 11-02-2007, 08:57 AM

It is very great because with any 'religion' as long as they make reasons to why you should believe something, people will believe it. Thank you for going past a certain extent to prove this point.

**Brother of Yeshua** · 11-02-2007, 03:32 PM

I disagree with removing religion completely from the classroom, but we need to be academic about it.

History classes are almost completely wiped clean of religious history, save for the Holocaust. And most kids aren't learning about anything that happened before 1776.

If we were to be taught of religion's dark history, we would all think twice before putting all of our egg into any one theological basket.

So go ahead, teach intelligent design as a hypothesis for evolution, but it better not be any more specific than "Some people think some supernatural being, a god or gods of some sort, created the world, or had a hand in the process of evolution. Now, let's turn to your text book on page 84......."

There's no reason to hide that some people think that. But it shouldn't be explored in the school setting. But as long as you are presenting that, why not present such colorful historical anecdotes, like the Inquisition, The Crusades (both Christian and Muslim), Rome's slaughter of Christians, and later, their slaughter of non-Christians.

If religion wants a foot in the door, let's open their whole smelly closet.

Chase_the_Bass · 11-02-2007, 03:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brother of Yeshua

I disagree with removing religion completely from the classroom, but we need to be academic about it.

History classes are almost completely wiped clean of religious history, save for the Holocaust. And most kids aren't learning about anything that happened before 1776.

If we were to be taught of religion's dark history, we would all think twice before putting all of our egg into any one theological basket.

So go ahead, teach intelligent design as a hypothesis for evolution, but it better not be any more specific than "Some people think some supernatural being, a god or gods of some sort, created the world, or had a hand in the process of evolution. Now, let's turn to your text book on page 84......."

There's no reason to hide that some people think that. But it shouldn't be explored in the school setting. But as long as you are presenting that, why not present such colorful historical anecdotes, like the Inquisition, The Crusades (both Christian and Muslim), Rome's slaughter of Christians, and later, their slaughter of non-Christians.

If religion wants a foot in the door, let's open their whole smelly closet.

I'm lucky that I have had AP classes my entire life so that we don't skip the religious stuff. But my friends in regular classes barely touched it. Then again really studying a religion in the way that we did is kinda hard for some people. I know that some of my friends would have not gotten it. Probably because they never really "got" school. Happens to a lot of kids :[ .

Abrasax · 11-03-2007, 08:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chase_The_Bass

I'm lucky that I have had AP classes my entire life so that we don't skip the religious stuff. But my friends in regular classes barely touched it. Then again really studying a religion in the way that we did is kinda hard for some people. I know that some of my friends would have not gotten it. Probably because they never really "got" school. Happens to a lot of kids :[ .

No offense, but based on my previous experience with you, how could you possibly pass AP classes?