Starting point for a story.

Aphrodisiac · #1 (**permalink**) 08-09-2008, 03:11 PM

I wrote a poem about this but decided it should become a story. I have to much of a story in my head to end it in a simple poem. Anyway, this is just the beginning. If you saw the poem then you have a better idea of what it's about.

I am just curious to know if people think it makes a interesting story. I only have a little bit of it so far and nothing to exciting yet. I will add more as I continue with it.

It all began on a warm summer day in 2005. I woke up in my small but comfortable apartment. I needed to do some shopping so I got ready to head out. I got a few things done around the house and then got shower. I put on a black shirt with a skull and some black jeans. I always wear black because the color works well for me. I try to be as creative with it sometimes. I have a few outfits I had put together myself. I don’t have much money so it was sometimes easier just to modify things I have or cheap cloths I bought. Some people would say it does not go well with an olive complexion which I have. I don’t really care what they think. I headed out the door and got ready to walk to the store. I didn’t have a car for a couple reasons. Mainly because I don’t have enough money but I also don’t need it. I feel better taking public transportation or walking. I think the entire auto industry is a rip off and cars are just about status. Whenever I see a expensive sports car all I can think about is what a waste of money it is. The auto industry sure does know how to cheat people. The insurance is another thing that bothers me. Compared to the auto industry the insurance companies are the biggest scammers of all. I can’t see myself supporting people like that.

On my way to the wal-mart I noticed the same girl that stands on the corner near the store selling her paintings on the weekends. I didn’t understand why but there was something different in a good way about her. She didn’t seem like some of the people you come across in those situations. She didn’t seem like a addict or drunk but just a poor girl trying to make it. Such a shame to see such a creative and talented person in that situation. She was below average looking as expected with someone like that. She had red wavy hair, was somewhat pale, and thin. I guess most people with so little are thin because they can’t go on a eating binge. I continued on my way to the store and when I got there grabbed a few things I needed. Some soda, ramen, and other things that were on sale. I usually only eat one meal a day and a few small snacks before so I didn’t ever need much. After I got checked out and started walking home it began to rain. It was raining hard and I noticed that poor girl from the corner stuffing her paintings in the dark green back pack she always had. They were already ruined by now and I could tell she was upset. I decided to do something nice and approached her. I ask if she wanted to get out of the rain, I told her I was heading home and could cook us some ramen. She had a somewhat suspicious look but accepted my offer. I guess it’s not everyday people do things like that. When we got in the door I told her I would give her some dry cloths to put on. I got a outfit for her and let her get changed in the bathroom. After she got out I changed as well and then put our cloths in the dryer.

When I got back into the room she was in I saw her going through her back pack and she had her paintings out which were a mess. She was obviously upset about them. I told her we could go get some more supplies when it stops raining and said she could put them by the window to dry later. I would still like to see what she made even if it was messed up now. She was still sad but that seemed to cheer her up a little. After she put them by the window I ask what her name is and she said Kayla. I said it was nice to meet her and told her she can just call me Jay. I told her to make herself comfortable and I would go cook us some ramen. I showed her where everything is before I went in the kitchen but since I don’t have cable I let her know if she wanted to watch something she could put in a movie. As I left the room she had started going through the movies I had.

When I got into the kitchen I first put away the things I picked up from the store. The kitchen was really small but it was good enough for me. I took out two packs of ramen and cooked them on the stove. I took a look in the other room while they cooked just to check on Kayla. She was relaxing and had put in a Queen of the Damned. I went back into the kitchen and got the ramen ready for each of us. I brought it out and sat a bowl for us each on the coffee table that is in front of he sofa. She thanked me and began eating. I could tell she probably hadn’t eaten today because she was eating really fast. I asked her how long she had been into painting. She said shes been doing it since she was little. It helps her feel better to turn her emotions into art. I told her I can understand that because I do the same thing with writing.

I asked her how someone like her ended up in the situation she’s in. She told me a year ago when she was 18 her drug addict parents just kicked her out. They never did much for her and thought her art was just silly. They told her she couldn’t make a living making paintings. Ever since then she has just lived life day by day. She uses some of the money she gets from her paintings for supplies and the rest on what food and cloths she can afford. One day she hopes to be able to make a living off her painting but doesn’t need a lot of money. She just wants to be happy and live her life.

08-09-2008, 04:21 PM

I think it's going to be a good story but the way you've written it makes it feel more like a blog. Like it just doesn't flow right or something, know what I mean?

Aphrodisiac · 08-09-2008, 04:26 PM

hmm...

Thanks, I do want some more opinions though before I decide if I want to go back and change things.

**Opunaya** · 08-10-2008, 10:56 AM

It jumps too fast. You need to pace it better, desribe the character's actions to the reader, and the world around him. Add in dialogue too, not just "I asked her", etc., etc.

And grammar. Otherwise, you might be on to something here.

Aphrodisiac · 08-10-2008, 10:59 AM

haha, I think I might start over.

I'm noticing things I don't like but I still like the idea.

**Opunaya** · 08-10-2008, 11:02 AM

Sometimes it takes several completely different re-writes before you get a story nailed down properly.