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Chad: Follow or Die
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08-09-2008, 11:34 AM
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My fallen angel
I think it may need a little work still but here it goes.....
My fallen angel The moment I passed by you instantly caught my eye Like a angel fallen and thrown onto the street Selling your pictures in order to get by Something about you to me seemed so sweet An understanding of fear and pain Creativity your only release That one cold night we spoke, in the pouring rain I let you come in and together we had peace Neither of us had much I understood your broken soul We held each other close with a loving touch Emotions bound together we finally felt whole We saw one another every day We found true love indeed Time passed by and we found a small place to stay Nothing fancy, for we don't have much, our love is all we need The pictures that you paint each day put a smile on my face Now that we are making it they express a loving heart You soul now shines bright within this place Together forever, never shall we depart
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 "Love is as much of an object as an obsession, everybody wants it, everybody seeks it, but few ever achieve it, those who do will cherish it, be lost in it, and among all, never... never forget it." -Curtis Judalet Last edited by Aphrodisiac; 08-09-2008 at 11:45 AM. 
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08-09-2008, 10:24 PM
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#3 (permalink) |
 
Posts: 9,618
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The only errors I saw were grammatical and a few places where you needed punctuation and what not. Um, if you take out and add a few syllables in some places you can make it flow much better but I really did like it a lot. I tend to have a 'flowing' problem too. I hope to see more from you.
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This world is full of fake titties and real assholes. |
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08-20-2008, 12:14 AM
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#5 (permalink) | |
 
Posts: 7,409
Age: 20
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I personally would have grouped the stanzas differently, keeping the appropriate rhymes together. It helps the reader.
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 I hate 'literature'... I'd much rather read a good book. Click here for a Guide To BeastToast! Quote:
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