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Chad: Follow or Die
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03-26-2008, 08:25 PM
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Lost Things
A poetry class assignment, constructive criticism wanted, needed and begged for.
Lost Things I skip class unintentionally, of course, I need the extra dream, or rather, I need the soft pillow pre-soaked with summer sweat I leave my sheets due to a persistent bladder the extra hour does nothing good, the floor bites my naked feet, guilt chills my shoulders I brush my teeth, my hair, my skin I dig through the pile of dirty clothes to find lost things, keys, spare change a card to remind me of my name I call my Mom, to check on the sick to remind them to be cool by raising their pinkies as high as they can I skip breakfast intentionally, of course, to save on calories and time I meet up with friends and super soakers wet t-shirts, mud and chatter fill my day we change into dry clothes the best off the k mart clearance rack artfully, creatively, and delightfully stylish we head to the concert, sing our throats raw until our heads burn with scratchy notes and screechy fans I see my admiree, who is ignorant of such affection, he brushes his lips against my hand romance interrupted my father calls me, odd, since our conversations never occur outside of Sunday mornings I am home, next to an empty bed that once held a beloved Grandpa I don't cry, I am unsure of my intentions, of course, but seeing Grandma alone and Mom crying I feel as if I never wanted wetter cheeks.
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You are aesthetically pleasing,
the reason for which I first noticed in you. And later I found your personality equally pleasing. I also noted your chest to waist ratio is suitable for birthing. Therefore, I think you should live in my house. 
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03-26-2008, 11:39 PM
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#2 (permalink) |
 
Posts: 499
Age: 25
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beautifully narrated.
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Let us never cease from thinking - What is this 'civilization' in which we find ourselves? What are these ceremonies and why should we take part in them? What are these professions and why should we make money out of them? Where in short is it leading us, the procession of the sons of educated men? - Virginia Woolf 1936. |
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03-27-2008, 02:22 AM
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#3 (permalink) | |
 
Posts: 7,409
Age: 20
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I'm sorry that I don't have any constructive criticism.
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 I hate 'literature'... I'd much rather read a good book. Click here for a Guide To BeastToast! Quote:
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03-27-2008, 01:06 PM
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#4 (permalink) |
Posts: 1,044
Age: 20
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I'm told by my professor that it is too narrative and that I need a bit more description, but I can't bring myself to change much on the poem itself. **sighs** maybe something in this stanza? "we change into dry clothes the best off the k mart clearance rack artfully, creatively, and delightfully stylish we head to the concert, sing our throats raw until our heads burn with scratchy notes and screechy fans I see my admiree, who is ignorant of such affection, he brushes his lips against my hand" It is supposed to be in the same theme as Frank O'Hara's "The Day Lady Died." Any help is welcome!
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You are aesthetically pleasing,
the reason for which I first noticed in you. And later I found your personality equally pleasing. I also noted your chest to waist ratio is suitable for birthing. Therefore, I think you should live in my house. |
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