It's Duples

w8_4_the_moonrise · #1 (**permalink**) 04-11-2008, 09:17 AM

<Another poem for class which desperately needs some constructive criticism. Please?>

It's Duples

Here it comes,
the moment
where we lock
eyes and kiss
cue sex scene

Whumph
Ow.

Whumph
Ow.

Whumph
Ow.

“That's 'ow' honey
not 'ooh' or any
variation of it”

Turn around.
not really
enough room...
leg goes where?

oh there we go
got the rhythm
its duples. duh.

connection
skin sinks in
thousands of
chemicals
rise with us
rushing to
meet each other
to explode
at the touch

our potential kinetic energy
activates
pulsing
an attempt to peer at heaven

with atheistic eyes

w8_4_the_moonrise · 04-15-2008, 07:34 AM

A quick update, I thought this was one of the worst poems I've written this year, my teacher thinks its my best. What do I do with that?

**Arcángel** · 04-15-2008, 07:41 AM

The way I see it, a writer is his/her own worst enemy. In some cases, you are going to want to break down and read into what you're writing about, how you are writing, and your writing style too much. Other people are going to see your work in different eyes so, it is normal for other people's thoughts about your writing to be different from your's.

I like this work of your's though. Then again, when haven't I liked your writing?

Another great write, adorable. Keep on keepin' on.

**Opunaya** · 04-15-2008, 12:54 PM

While I don't think it's your best, it's certainly not your worst...maybe you think it's bad because it's not really talking about something sweet and sentimental? I dunno...but part of it's about porn, so I enjoyed it.

sca · 04-17-2008, 06:12 AM

I'm not going to lie, I don't particularly like this one. The line breaks aren't all particularly meaningful to me, and... idk. I like what you were trying to write, if you will - the concept but not the whole execution.

"“That's 'ow' honey
not 'ooh' or any
variation of it” "
made me smile. One thing I do like is that it's sex/porno without being blunt about it.

And I like:

"our potential kinetic energy
activates
pulsing
an attempt to peer at heaven

with atheistic eyes"

=> Jess

w8_4_the_moonrise · 04-17-2008, 07:46 AM

It is not porn you prude's!

Yeah that being said, I really hate this poem, I actually tried to put some sort of rhythm in it and it just doesn't do anything I wanted it to. Besides displaying the contrast of serious vs humorous sex.

**Opunaya** · 04-18-2008, 11:30 AM

Technically, "prudes" are people who get offended when talking about sex and other natural things...you should've said "pervs". I think you did well with the poem, aside from everyone thinking it's a porn poem...but, then again...look at the people whom are on BT. ^_~

**Arcángel** · 04-18-2008, 01:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Opunaya

aside from everyone thinking it's a porn poem...but, then again...look at the people whom are on BT. ^_~

Speak for yourself! I didn't think it was a porn poem at all! Besides, I like her poetry because (and maybe it's just me) her poems have a certain way of producing images in my head, just with the words she writes.

04-18-2008, 01:38 PM

That first replier is right. A writer is his / her own worst enemy. I think that it's and okay poem and has some possibilities, but you've gotta think about how you want this poem to go and how you think that it could be improved. Don't get yourself down 'cause you think it's bad, man.

w8_4_the_moonrise · 04-20-2008, 10:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Opunaya

Technically, "prudes" are people who get offended when talking about sex and other natural things...you should've said "pervs". ^_~

Okay, so I was offended by you, a "perv", because you thought my poem was porn, what does that make me?

Thanks for the love toasties.