Hopefully, by february 2009 i will have my associates degree and be joining the marines. Or so I would hope.

Yet... with the way things are going now... part of me just wants to join right now. i want to join and just leave this life im living.

I don’t even know who i am anymore. i don’t even recognize myself in the mirror... or in my heart. i don’t know who i am... and slowly i am forgetting who i used to be.


Life since high school has not been what i thought it would be. A million unforseeable circumstances and problems. mistakes piled upon mistakes plundered by loss, hurt, pain, suffering and drama. I’m spinning in circles and I can’t stop... i want to throw up. something seems to not want to let me. I can’t see myself anymore. I don’t know where i am, where i’ve been. Has anything meaningful came out of my life in these past 3 years? what am i doing? what am i going to do? where am i going? where have i been?

I want to run away. get away from myself. who im not really, and find again who i am. i know i’m out there, but where? where do i start looking? i need to find me, and i need to be happy again. I don’t know if i’ve been happy for 2 days in a row in over 2 years. I don’t ever remember in my entire life feeling so lost, so cold, so empty, so mad. my thoughts swirl and divulge me into darkness. routine becomes what i cling to in the night. and day.. and every second thereafter.

What is going on? who am i? where am i? why does it hurt soo much? Why won’t it just go away? why won’t it leave me alone? why won’t someone comfort me? why won’t you take me away? or at least... put me out of my misery.

why oh why? to ask and to speak of all this pain gives off a temporary glow of sigh and relief, yet the second i stop i feel the rush of pain coming back to me, like an ocean tide... as it slowly drags me back in like the sand.

what more is there to say. these words do not adaquately describe nor display what the throb of pain makes me feel. it doesnt show how it affects my life. it doesn’t relate to my sorrow, my despair. but these words are all i have. my only defense. which is merely nothing at all. as someone who reads these does not know how i feel. they most likely havent even been in the same situation, and if they have, they are less than compassionate.

i need her, that one, the one. but i don’t think she is coming. or perhaps, her for me... doesn’t exist. she probably doesn’t, as life would not be without irony towards me and my situation... that would complete the hilariousness of my struggles, would it not?

so i sit here and wallow
while you look and pity me in a disgusting way.
the way that you look away from and ignore bums begging for change.

don’t mock me.
i wouldn’t wish this ravaging pain upon you.
and i suggest you count your blessings for not having it.
or you would be the first to come to me seeking a way out.

i guarantee it.

__________________
“Reason obeys itself; Ignorance submits to what is dictated to it” – Thomas Paine

"Drugs created the streets" - Ron Paul

"Terrorism is a tactic, it’s not an enemy. You can’t have a war against a tactic" - Ron Paul

"I wouldn't go to war again as I have done to protect some lousy investment of the bankers. There are only two things we should fight for. One is the defense of our homes and the other is the Bill of Rights. War for any other reason is simply a racket." - Smedley Butler

Static

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Crazy deep read, I really don't know how to respond to this. I feel like this sometimes, if I read it correctly, sort of don't really feel like you have a direction in life... stay up dude, find a hobby, it helps.

__________________
"Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail"
-Harold R. McAlindon

"How we raise our children is the most critical thing we do in our lifetime. The future is in thier hands and they will shape tomorrow based on what they learn from us today."
-John Doe Smith

"Philosophy is questions that may never be answered. Religion is answers that may never be questioned."

Estefanina

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There is a book called The War of Art, it's by Steven Pressfield, and in your situation, I'd bet you would find it helpful for alleviating all the negative.

Other than that, your prose speaks to the soul. Keep it up.

__________________
Let us never cease from thinking - What is this 'civilization' in which we find ourselves? What are these ceremonies and why should we take part in them? What are these professions and why should we make money out of them? Where in short is it leading us, the procession of the sons of educated men? - Virginia Woolf 1936.

JumpInTheFire

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Thanks fellas, I appreciate it


As for a hobby, I have many
Play guitar, run a forum/website, going to college, writing a book, massive genealogy research and so on

__________________
“Reason obeys itself; Ignorance submits to what is dictated to it” – Thomas Paine

"Drugs created the streets" - Ron Paul

"Terrorism is a tactic, it’s not an enemy. You can’t have a war against a tactic" - Ron Paul

"I wouldn't go to war again as I have done to protect some lousy investment of the bankers. There are only two things we should fight for. One is the defense of our homes and the other is the Bill of Rights. War for any other reason is simply a racket." - Smedley Butler

Ristaron

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Where to start? This spoke to me on so many levels. From it I got such catharsis. I am in awe of the depth of your words, which seem so simple. In today's world, truth is a rare commodity, and for someone to speak their heart as you did is not only refreshing, but required.

I don't mean to cheapen the sentiments in this prose, but I have to add that I particularly appreciate this (I'm hesitant to call it a 'piece', as art like this does not fit any category, it is purely from the heart) because I am often caught in the same loop that you wrote about. The detached, confusing place where nothing feels right; not your home, not your friends, not your hobbies, not your skin, not even your thoughts. The moment in which you feel entirely alone, severed from everything else around you. Especially yourself. And when you wonder what it all means and you always answer your unspoken question with "nothing", even I, who welcome and seek oblivion after my life here is over, cannot bear the thought of being entirely without purpose, even one that I give myself.
It is human nature to seek control of every situation. We're predisposed to dominating our environment. I see this as a blessing and a curse. The blessing being the knowledge we have obtained from seeking to control our lives. The curse being the lost ignorance of how meaningless we are.

But, then, I think to myself: would I rather live my life ignorant of the world around me?

Sometimes, it helps.

__________________



I hate 'literature'... I'd much rather read a good book.

Click here for a Guide To BeastToast!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Opunaya Haha! I love being in warm cum with balls on my ass while I'm pooping.

Static

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Great response man. This quote changed my entire perspective;

"It has taken centuries for science to wear away our arrogant assumptions of centrality. Science unwittingly achieved this by discovering that we are not at the center of the universe. Science has also woven precariousness and uncertainty into the fabric of our existence by showing that extinction is probable for we are not particularly unique anatomically or genetically, but instead, are kin to every living thing that we know exists and ever existed.

In many ways, this latter discovery has been the most difficult for us to come to terms with; it certainly has been for many non-scientists and religious institutions. For those of us with courage and calloused curiosity, science has endowed us with the greatest humility of all."

You shouldn't feel meaningless, just treat life as a gift and keep yourself healthy so you can enjoy it as long as possible.

__________________
"Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail"
-Harold R. McAlindon

"How we raise our children is the most critical thing we do in our lifetime. The future is in thier hands and they will shape tomorrow based on what they learn from us today."
-John Doe Smith

"Philosophy is questions that may never be answered. Religion is answers that may never be questioned."

JumpInTheFire

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Thanks man, i really appreciate your thoughtful comment
and don't worry, you didnt take away from any sentiment, it helps to hear yours and other peoples thoughts/experiences towards them. honestly, thats about the best way you or anyone could help me... is to just tell your own experience and what have you.


Thanks guys,
and thanks static for the quote

__________________
“Reason obeys itself; Ignorance submits to what is dictated to it” – Thomas Paine

"Drugs created the streets" - Ron Paul

"Terrorism is a tactic, it’s not an enemy. You can’t have a war against a tactic" - Ron Paul

"I wouldn't go to war again as I have done to protect some lousy investment of the bankers. There are only two things we should fight for. One is the defense of our homes and the other is the Bill of Rights. War for any other reason is simply a racket." - Smedley Butler

Ristaron

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Who is that quote by?
Also: I have difficulty seeing life as a "gift", as there is no intelligent force to my understanding that would bestow it. Even the subjective "Fate" has no place in my mind. Everything is at once important and inconsequential, because there is no purpose to it, yet it is the only thing that is. In our imagination all things are possible, but the wonders of the universe in reality are amazing. All the same, I have trouble, sometimes, grasping how insignificant I am, and how as a civilization we are nothing to the rest of the universe.

Glad I could help.

__________________



I hate 'literature'... I'd much rather read a good book.

Click here for a Guide To BeastToast!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Opunaya Haha! I love being in warm cum with balls on my ass while I'm pooping.