just older stuff i've written and decided to post



Thursday, August 23, 2007


So she took my heart and broke it
stepped and stumbled upon it with her eyes set upon something else
what little did i know or little did i know not or what was yet to come
for my heart now moans deep cuts like vastless oceans
i wish the pain could be removed... but at the same time I feed off of it in my sick and sadistic way
who am i now? who was i before? who have i ever been? who will i ever be?
what little do i know about myself now and have ever known, at least thats the way it seems to be now
drenched in emotion, i continually stumble through the prickly pit of what i call my life

nobody knows what i am going through, nobody knows what it is to be me

and i would wish it upon nobody...
and nobody seems to want to mend it...

I ask myself stereotypical questions that those of lesser knowledge might ask... like, "Why do i have relationships when i know i will just get hurt"

Yet, i am not that ignorant nor stupid. I know you will get hurt more than you are loved. and i know bad things will happen more than the good. but i can't seem to shake these ridiculous stereotypical ignorant questions... because it just plain hurts.

I thought I had found her... but alas she vanished into thin air

nothing but a mere dream to be remembered now. thought and dreamt of what could and might've been. sad songs running through my mind. I workout and run long distance to ease the pain...

Yet alas... running and other methods are no different than burying myself in booze. they are all just temporary fixes for a life that needs to be built on permanence. I don't like the temporaries... yet even in my life today i find myself gravitating towards them in the way that i used to mocked others. who and what have i become? and why is it that for the life of me, nobody will have anything to do with me...



these words speak volumes like my glass of empty promises.

my words mean nothing, because words are words, and what i intend for them to convey is not what you are interpreting them as. so why bother

i now have the continual perplexing question of whether or not i should mend to my broken heart, or continue on with the temporaries. I don't want the temporary fixes, but alas its all i can seem to find and able myself to face up to.

what in the world is going on...

at a loss for words, i end this.. if only i could continue elsewhere in my life, perhaps things would redeem me and my broken heart.

yet that is out of my hands.

it is not for me, but for her

yet "her" or she is not a real person. well she is. she is the person for me, as i am the person for her. yet in an imperfect world you can be the perfect person for someone and still break up. still get divorced. still kill each other and scream and yell. or even worse, the stagnant silence and willfull ignorance of a blissful quite existence.

I know who she is. or at least i think i know. or i want to know. or to be. but alas, even she shuns me in my most time of need. even she has been ignoring me the last 4 weeks or so. even she is no longer to be trusted with my delicate pieces of shattered muscle. the thing i call my heart. even she is now the one i fear most. for she has the power over me that nobody has. and she continues to use it.

and i weep... and i weep... i weep... weep...

__________________
“Reason obeys itself; Ignorance submits to what is dictated to it” – Thomas Paine

"Drugs created the streets" - Ron Paul

"Terrorism is a tactic, it’s not an enemy. You can’t have a war against a tactic" - Ron Paul

"I wouldn't go to war again as I have done to protect some lousy investment of the bankers. There are only two things we should fight for. One is the defense of our homes and the other is the Bill of Rights. War for any other reason is simply a racket." - Smedley Butler