Germanboi

(Keep in mind, there will be holes in this explanation, I am very emotional right now, and my mind is racing, but please, I need someone to reply...if you need something to be clearified, please ask!)

My family has been in a perdicatment for the past eleven years. My father had fallen into a deep dark depression were anxiety about his memories ruled his days, and dreams of being beaten and threatened by his father ruled his dreams at night.

My parents have not slept in the same room since then, he started to have night terrors, fighting/yelling/biting in his sleep . My mother has been both father and mother, she has been the bread winner, and the one to go to when you needed a hole sewn up.

My father, essentially a lump on the couch with authority over us has not moved an inch towards getting better. HOWEVER he has one brother, and one sister. Both of which experienced abuse as well. My aunt (his younger sister) had it so bad she had to get her jaw operated on because of being forced to perform oral on their father. She even still walks with a limp because her leg was almost destroyed by the man. Yet, she is able to live onward. She is 44 years old now, and has gone to college multiple times recieving multiple degrees. I believe she just recently obtained a degree as a certified therapist assistant. My uncle (his older brother) as far as I have figured out is also moving on. He has recently adopted a young girl from China with his wife, after having I believe 3 kids from a previous marriage. I think he is around 55 years old.

Don't get me wrong, I know everyone deals with things differently, but after seeing my aunt and uncle live life, AND other people from church and school being able to have something after abuse, I do not believe my father has a reason to be as critical as he is, except that he is so comfortable with my mother paying the bills, and him being able to sleep when ever and all the time...and what ever else the fuck he does.

Also, in the past eleven years his school loans had been accumilating debt. He hasnt had to pay them because the goverment has been holding them at bay. All of the sudden though, the loan company said they want their money. NOW he has to pay them, but he hasnt had a job for eleven years, and does not intend on getting a job.

My mother called me today crying because she has been sucked into my father's life, and all the problems he has. She is the one who will have to deal with the debt. He is apparently ready to die...and what happens if he chickens out and takes his life?!? As far as I know the loan will default onto her, and it would be completely her problem. Please tell me otherwise!! Someone please tell me that my mother would not have to deal with all his accumulated debt if he dies!!!?!?!?!?!

Essentially it went from a really good, idealistic life for my mother, to Hell.

Is it wrong of me for wanting it to be over now. His doctor already told him he would be surprised if he lived till 60 years of age (and he is currently 50) because he does not take care of himself. He sits around on the computer, or watching TV ALL day.Is it wrong for me to want my mother to be able to be happy again by being able to persue someone else?

Now please do not think I am a monster. I remember when my father was a father. But I am tired. I am tired of seeing him do nothing to get better (he should be trying to do something physical, he should not be idle...but he is all the time) I am hurt by the fights him and my mother get into because my father's selfishness. Whether it has to do with his depression or not, he is incredibly selfish. One time he yelled at my mother because she would not give him money for soda (which he is addicted to caffeine, and if you know anything about depression, it is made worse by caffeine, and he refuses to quit) and she had a week before she got paid again...and did not have enough money for groceries and gas. I want him to have a heart attack. I do not want it, but I do. I want him to kill himself and just get it over with.

I WANT TO BE FREE FROM THE ANXIETY AND FEAR OF LOSING HIM!!!! I WANT IT TO BE OVER!!! Not that I am homicidal, I do not to kill my father. I am just sick of it.

Am I crazy for wanting it to be over? Am I wrong to want this stupidity to be over with. His selfish, unwanting to get better. I can easily bring up times he rubbed it in our faces that he was abused, that we could not possibly understand what he had gone through. But he does not understand what we go through with his inability to work, provide, be a father, counselor, friend, and so many other things he could be.

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!? are my feelings legitimate? I really need to talk with my brothers and sisters...but it is soooo late at night. I cannot wait till the morning so I can call them. I feel so alone.

__________________
"If you cannot live for yourself, live for your friends and family."
~My hero, best friend, and brother, Jim

"One person's situation may not be as bad as your's, but to them it could be the end of the world"
~An Epiphany

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do."
~Eleanor Roosevelt

Es ist mir scheiß Egal