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sca · 04-17-2008, 06:05 AM

"the other thick mug filled dark brown liquid growing cold but down her throat" doesn't quite make sense, even in your abstracted form. Is there a word missing? Does it need rephrasing?

+ I'd like to see capital letters and a review of grammar in general. Unless there's conceptual reasoning behind it?

How-ever... the rest of the way you've written this is fascinating. You don't waste many words, and cut straight to rich, pointed, metaphor. Great vocabulary, great use of the senses, great imagery.

=> Jess

04-17-2008, 06:05 AM	#2 (permalink)
sca Noob in Training Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Melbourne, Aus Age: 17 Posts: 56	"the other thick mug filled dark brown liquid growing cold but down her throat" doesn't quite make sense, even in your abstracted form. Is there a word missing? Does it need rephrasing? + I'd like to see capital letters and a review of grammar in general. Unless there's conceptual reasoning behind it? How-ever... the rest of the way you've written this is fascinating. You don't waste many words, and cut straight to rich, pointed, metaphor. Great vocabulary, great use of the senses, great imagery. => Jess Last edited by sca; 04-17-2008 at 06:08 AM.