Hopefully, by february 2009 i will have my associates degree and be joining the marines. Or so I would hope.
Yet... with the way things are going now... part of me just wants to join right now. i want to join and just leave this life im living.
I don’t even know who i am anymore. i don’t even recognize myself in the mirror... or in my heart. i don’t know who i am... and slowly i am forgetting who i used to be.
Life since high school has not been what i thought it would be. A million unforseeable circumstances and problems. mistakes piled upon mistakes plundered by loss, hurt, pain, suffering and drama. I’m spinning in circles and I can’t stop... i want to throw up. something seems to not want to let me. I can’t see myself anymore. I don’t know where i am, where i’ve been. Has anything meaningful came out of my life in these past 3 years? what am i doing? what am i going to do? where am i going? where have i been?
I want to run away. get away from myself. who im not really, and find again who i am. i know i’m out there, but where? where do i start looking? i need to find me, and i need to be happy again. I don’t know if i’ve been happy for 2 days in a row in over 2 years. I don’t ever remember in my entire life feeling so lost, so cold, so empty, so mad. my thoughts swirl and divulge me into darkness. routine becomes what i cling to in the night. and day.. and every second thereafter.
What is going on? who am i? where am i? why does it hurt soo much? Why won’t it just go away? why won’t it leave me alone? why won’t someone comfort me? why won’t you take me away? or at least... put me out of my misery.
why oh why? to ask and to speak of all this pain gives off a temporary glow of sigh and relief, yet the second i stop i feel the rush of pain coming back to me, like an ocean tide... as it slowly drags me back in like the sand.
what more is there to say. these words do not adaquately describe nor display what the throb of pain makes me feel. it doesnt show how it affects my life. it doesn’t relate to my sorrow, my despair. but these words are all i have. my only defense. which is merely nothing at all. as someone who reads these does not know how i feel. they most likely havent even been in the same situation, and if they have, they are less than compassionate.
i need her, that one, the one. but i don’t think she is coming. or perhaps, her for me... doesn’t exist. she probably doesn’t, as life would not be without irony towards me and my situation... that would complete the hilariousness of my struggles, would it not?
so i sit here and wallow
while you look and pity me in a disgusting way.
the way that you look away from and ignore bums begging for change.
don’t mock me.
i wouldn’t wish this ravaging pain upon you.
and i suggest you count your blessings for not having it.
or you would be the first to come to me seeking a way out.
i guarantee it.